The one where we get no help whatsoever

It is Monday morning, 8.33 in the morning and already this week is ruined. The trusty old library computer makes a weird noise. A few sad bleeps, but that's all. I am afraid the hard disk may have passed away, but luckily I make my own backups ever since back office IT support was outsourced. All I want is a new harddisk, so I can restore my backup. But in order to get a real IT person (do they still exist?) at my desk to replace the harddisk, I need a helpdesk ticket number.

Recently our help-desk was re-shored after a survey pointed out that nobody actually called the help-desk anymore following the off-shoring. First, management was pleased as this clearly indicated that IT was just working fine. However, comments from the survey indicated there still were many problems, but Hades employees just didn't call the help-desk anymore out of sheer frustration.

Our management made a bold decision to re-shore the help-desk back home. To be more precise, they awarded the help-desk contract to the local jobcentre which is across the road from our office. A win-win situation: Hades Corporation pays a mere penny and all the unemployed people can learn "on the job" how to be demeaning to people and anticipate a future career involving a headset.


"Welcome to the Hades Corporation no help whatsoever desk. We are understaffed, underpaid and hardly skilled, but at least we speak English"

(10 minutes cheesy piano renditions of sappy 80s ballads, interrupted every 2 minutes by "Your call is important to us. All our operators are currently busy talking to each other, clipping their toe nails or surfing the web. Once we feel like it, we may actually answer your call.")

"Hello, how may I help you?"

"Hello, well, my computer does not start. It makes weird noises when booting up"

"Can I start a remote desktop sharing session?"

"No, my computer does not start at all.. so I cannot start programs."

"Oh well, I just follow a script here, it's not like I know anything about computers or even am remotely motivated to help you for the measly payment I get. Is the power-plug correctly inserted into the wall socket?"

"Listen, that's not it... this is a problem with my hard disk."

"Sir, I am under clear orders to follow the script from the knowledge base."

"Yeah but..."

"Can you insert the rescue floppy into the floppy drive?"

"Floppy? This is 2008 - floppies are extinct!"

"Sir, please follow the script with me or else I cannot help you - please put the floppy in the floppy drive."

"I don't have a floppy or a floppy drive!"

"YOU MUST HAVE A FLOPPY AND A FLOPPY DRIVE! That's is what it says here on my screen!"

"Once again, I DON'T have a floppy or a floppy drive!"

" Sir, I am trying to help you here but you are making it very difficult for me. If you have lost your floppy or floppy drive, which is company property by the way, can you ask your colleague to borrow you a floppy and a floppy drive?"

"No, of course not, you helpdesk-dimwit, nobody has floppies anymore! Please skip this nonsense and create a ticket to have my harddisk replaced."

"Sorry, I can only assign a ticket number once we complete the script... so let's get back to the floppy"

Five minutes later I am across the road, using a hammer, nails and wooden planks to block the doors of the employment centre where our help-desk resides. One my way out, several colleagues asked me what I was going to do... once I explained, they all came along to help. Isn't it wonderful how people will become an instant group once they have a common goal? One guy even brought barbed wire!

Disclaimer: this post and all others are the product of the authors' imagination and any resemblance to real situations is purely bad luck. This article does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my alter ego. Do not write below this line. Don't quote me on that. Don't quote me on anything.