The one with the sanitized performance review

It is Tuesday afternoon, slightly after 4pm and I am in the library listening to the fabulous, surround sound version of Jean Michel Jarre's classic "Oxygene" album. This always stimulates the theta waves in my brain and puts me into a special relaxing mood which is needed.

Once again it is time to fill out the yearly self appraisal forms for our dear friends in Human Resources and my direct boss. I've always thought it is not exactly fair that us humble worker bees have to fill out a self-appraisal form and send that to HR and our manager before we have the appraisal, but we never get their remarks up front.

I often have the feeling HR and management don't even do anything with our reviews, they just take our forms, have a good laugh at what we filled out, point out particularly funny answers, snort, go out for a few beers and then randomly throw all application forms in the air. The ones that come face down on the floor get bad reviews, unless your boss likes the way you bring him coffee and laugh at all his jokes.

But that's just me being cynical - the performance review process it surely is based on objective criteria, scientifically relevant methods and intended to bring out the best in us.

But you can't be honest in your self appraisal, you have to sugarcoat it. Like writing a business case, completing the self appraisal form requires a mixture of fantasy, wordsmithing and buzzwords. Let me show you an example.

"What do you think went well this year?"
(what I wanted to answer:) After a year where every project proposal I wrote was either forgotten, postponed or undermined I think I did very well not punching several managers in the face. Also, I showed clear self control not laughing out loud at all the ridiculous questions from the l-users (library users). I am extremely proud that you guys did not find out I squandered the whole training budget on a week in the Bahama's at a so-called web 2.0 masterclass in a 5 star all-inclusive resort where I learned to water-ski.
(what I did answer:) This year I learned a lot from the active challenging of my cross-business projects, this strengthened my skills in this area. I also challenged users in their information seeking behaviours, stimulating their level of self esteem whilst enhancing their skills in information literacy. Lastly, I have been able to aquire new skills at the web 2.0 masterclass I attended.

"Looking back, what would you have done differently?"
(what I wanted to answer:) Looking back, I should not have bothered asking for any improvement projects, but just do my thing and ignore everyone else. Also, I should have learned to sleep with my eyes open to make the best use of the endless, soul crushing and dreadfully boring departmental meetings.
(what I did answer:) Looking back, I should have asked for management input for new improvement projects, before proposing them to ensure the project ideas were aligned with company priorities and received buy-in. Also, I should have stepped back from several departmental meetings and trusted my peers to make the best decisions, giving them room to grow in their leadership roles.

"What are the most important wins of this year for you?"
(what I wanted to answer:) I finally beat Carl from meeting services in Mario Kart. My manager did not notice that the strategic library vision presentation was basically the same as last year with only the date changed. I won the stare down contest during the monthly "top quality process enhancement" meetings.
(what I did answer:) I was the winner in the company wide safe driving contest. I built the new library vision presentation on best practices. I used body language to stimulate interaction with my colleagues in the "top quality process enhancement" meetings.

If an individual performance bonus would be tied to your review, what should you be awarded?
(what I wanted to answer:) All I want is more money and less sh*t from you people.
(what I did answer:) I am not just motivated by monetary rewards, but also a stimulating work environment where I am constantly being pushed to get the best out of me.


Disclaimer: this post and all others are the product of the authors' imagination and any resemblance to real situations is purely bad luck. This article does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my mental coach. Do not write below this line. Don't quote me on that. Don't quote me on anything.