The one where we take ethics, compliancy and diversity training

It used to be that once every year, the ethics, compliance and diversity manager would gather all of us in a meeting room for 10 minutes to give us a reminder: "Folks, you are all adults and professionals. Behave well, act as adults and don't do anything that would make me ashamed of you. If you have questions, call me. Any questions?"

But the ethics, compliance and diversity manager retired last year and of course HR saw their chance to collect a huge budget to build an online ethics, compliance and diversity learning website. All staff now has to undergo the online, 2 hour mandatory training with a multiple choice test on the end.

The course is developed to "engage" us in an "interactive simulation" of the appropriate behaviour. Well, if you ask me - the course is an insult to all staff as it clearly indicates how HR thinks of us...

A few examples:

First of all, all videos and images during the presentation are politically correct and reflect no real office life at all. So in every video and picture there is gender and racial diversity: at least one female, one Asian, one African American and one Caucasian staff member. Furthermore, it is required to show standard images of colleagues standing around a computer with one of them pointing to the screen and the others look very interested.

What highly annoys me is that the "interactive simulations" use dramatic story lines which could be taken from made-for-TV drama's:

"During this course you will follow the story of Joe Schmo, engineer at ACME Inc. His lack of interest in company ethics and conflict of interest resulted in DOOM for him, his family and all future generations of Schmos! Don't be like Joe and pay attention during the course!

[Joe is invited to meet the company VP]

Joe: Hi Mike, good to see you - what do you want to talk about?

Mike: Joe, I am very disappointed in you. We saw you as an honest, hardworking engineer who knew what it takes to raise in the ranks. You worked late, took all the shitty jobs I gave you, laughed at all my stupid jokes... but you violated our holy policy on accepting gifts.

Joe: Mike... I... I don't understand....

Mike: Joe, you know how I share your passion for crushing the competition and squeezing every penny out of our vendors. I don't mind strong arming the competition or doing some creative bribing to get a deal. But as I have always said: "don't get caught"!
Your secretary reported to me that you have received and accepted two tickets to an amateur performance of "A chorus line" from vendor X, worth 51 dollars! That is a violation of our rules. I see no other way than to fire you!

Let's now go back in time to understand what Joe did wrong and what he should have done..."

Or an example from the diversity & inclusiveness course:

"This course will explain how to behave in an ultra-political correct manner. We begin this course with the story of John Schmuck, who meets his new colleague from France. First we will explain how NOT to behave and then the proper way.

WRONG:

John: Oh hello there, you must be the hot new transfer from Paris! Oh la la! I am John, the office Don Juan!

Louise: Hi John, it is nice to meet you. I look forward to working with you on project X.

John: Louise, Louise, you will be working under me and that will be a mutual pleasure!

Louise: Pardon me!

John: Well, Louise, I also love literature. Perhaps you and I can discuss "Casanova" over candlelight dinner tonight at my place?"

RIGHT:

John: Hello miss Boursain. My name is John Schmuck.

Louise: Nice to meet you mr. Schmuck.

John: Do call me John. I look forward to working with you in a professional, gender neutral behaviour without any jokes, fun or other silly stuff that our corporate ethics clearly forbid."

Disclaimer: this post and all others are the product of the authors' imagination and any resemblance to real situations is purely bad luck. This article does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my Elvis doll. Do not read while operating heavy machinery. Contact your congress man for instructions.